Update.

Exciting things happened today.

0. Didn’t work today. Instead, took a really long shower and had coffee with whipped cream.

1. I got called sir. Then had a sandwich.

2. Got a Diva Cup. I can’t wait to use it! This is definitely the first time I’ve been enthusiastic about my period. Heh. Will keep posted about that.

3. I’m moving out of my apartment.

4. The doctor gives me drugs.

5. Anxious about the mailman!

Oh Palin.

If you haven’t seen this… see it now.

 

Palinas Home Design

Imagine this.

This morning I was sleeping. My phone keeps ringing. I hate phones. I throw it under a pillow and go back to sleep. Next thing I know, there is someone frantically knocking on my door. The door of my bedroom, not the door to my apartment. My bedroom. I’m confused. Who broke in? What’s going on? It is my mother. What the hell? I thought I moved far enough away so this would NEVER happen. Apparently not. She was called to work in a school nearby, so she decided to come over. She asked the landlady person to let her in. Umm. Ok. Is that legal? I’m in my batman underwear. I’m still confused. I’m still half asleep but I stumble out to the couch and introduce her to my new cat etc. She wants to know why I haven’t picked up my phone and if she can use the bathroom. She wants me to come home. She asks me if I have anything to drink. I don’t. And then she leaves.

 

What the fuck?

Heterosexual Questionnaire

I was just reading up on the Queers United Blog and this quiz came to my attention. It’s freakin’ fantastic. Spread the word. Also, be sure to read the comments on the actual post. Some of them are worth your while. 

 

The Heterosexual Questionnaire was created back in 1972 to put heterosexual people in the shoes of a gay person for just a moment. Questions and assumptions made of Gays and Lesbians that are unfair, are reversed and this time asked to the straight people.

 

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and where did you decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible this is just a phase and you will out grow it?

4. Is it possible that your sexual orientation has stemmed from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. Do your parents know you are straight? Do your friends know- how did they react?

6. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it just possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality… can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

9. Why do heterosexuals try to recruit others into this lifestyle?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual… Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

13. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

14. Considering the menace of overpopulation how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

15. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you feel that he or she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his orher leanings?

16. There seem to very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to.

17. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

– Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., 1972

.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

Gay!

 

Happy National Coming out Day

Stores

A few days ago I finally got around to going to my nearest local toy store (Priscillas). I was pretty damn disappointed. Most of the things they were selling were jokes, bad costumes, and poorly thought out toys made of less than healthy materials (see picture). There were a few creepy old men as well. It kind of reminded me of a very bad Kmart. The only up side to this store was their wide variety of lube. Still not impressed. Stuff like this makes me appreciate the internet and stores like Passional that actually know about what they are selling. Last week when my girlfriend and I were in Philly, we ventured out to find this store that she had researched. Just a hole in the wall kind of place, but once through the doors it was a different story. It was a tidy happy little place with a nice selection of toys in the front room. We were greeted with a friendly welcome and not barraged with questions concerning our age. There was another room that smelled deliciously like leather and contained the majority of their bondage fun. They even had an upstairs with an art exhibit and more advanced bondage options (masks, body suits, electrodes, medical devices?) and a swing set up in the middle of it all. Lovely, lovely, lovely. A few blocks down the road, we visited another branch of their store that was more so dedicated to wearable articles. Yet again a friendly greeting and an invitation to a party later in the evening. They had a beautiful array of corsets and latex outfits and even assless chaps. I recommend checking them out next time you’re around Philly. 

 

Documentation of the most ridiculous thing ever from Priscillas. This is my “oh my god what the fuck” face. Enjoy.

 

As big as my whole body.

 

ps: I swear I’m not 12 years old…

Ugh.

I need a haircut. I need a haircut. I need a haircut. My head is growing a mullet and a bowl cut at the same time! Help!

Finally

Thank you Jiz Lee for making the best contest ever. I’m working on it right NOW!!!

“Describe a ‘Sexy Dork Moment’ from your experience, and share as much as you like about it.”

 

Oh HEY! Pick me! I’m super dorky!! 

 

Ok, I’m not going to lie about this one. Basically any occurrence in my sex life has been and will continue to be dorky and awkward. There’s just no other way to be. Its hard to pick a single event, but definitely one of my top favorites is the first time I wore a strap-on.

My girlfriend had been taunting me for weeks by sending pictures of herself in her new harness (long distance is a tease). Sexy. Not dorky, right? Finally I got the chance to go see her. Maybe five minutes after I arrived, we were in her room. She whips out her harness from a drawer and wants me to put it on. I kind of stare at this giant leather bondage spider thing, wondering where all the straps went, where to put my leg, etc. She has to help me. I’m slow. Can’t help it. After about five minutes of fidgeting with it, it is very securely on my body. Oh yeah, and then I danced around in it. Step one: complete! Next came the cock. Big, purple, shiny, kind of awkward in itself. For a second I imagined that it fell off of some unfortunate man of the same color. Poor guy. But then my mind snapped back to the task at hand. I had to get it in the harness. Simple enough. Two snaps and an o-ring later, it was in place. Another dance for victory. It bounced around with me. I couldn’t stop laughing at it. I kinda batted it around, jumped some more, made some “boing” sound effects. Step two: complete? Still giggling a bit, I remembered that I was supposed to use this for fucking… oh right… Well I guess I’ll spare you all the rest, but in the end it was a super dorky good time.

 

For more info go here.

 

On another note, I applied at Target and Barnes & Noble today. My new goal is apply for two jobs every day this week. I’m sure someone will hire me…

Er…

It’s hard to be in a long distance relationship. Especially when your girlfriend is a huge tease…

Rawr. Sex.

I guess to keep my mind off it I’ll try to work on some reviews I’ve been meaning to write (counterproductive, yes). Keep posted for the arrival of a collar as well.

 

Tomorrow I hunt for a job. Seriously. Until I find one.