Update/NT

Update:

Ok. So there’s really nothing to update. I should be hearing back about a job by the end of the week. Super jealous of all of you going to the NY Sex Blogger Calendar Party. Sleep is hard to come by. Making friends is extremely difficult. Finished crocheting a strap for my ukulele. I am breathing.

NT (Naked Thursday):

I feel like posting one. It’s been a while. Sorry to my real life friends who read my blog.

HEY!

I know you’re reading my blog, and I appreciate that very much, but you don’t have to hide. Come out of the shadowy darkness of blog-lurker-land (or regular-reader/commenter-land) and talk to me!!

1. Who are you???

2. Where are you from?

3. How did you get here?

4. What do you like about my page?

5. What can I do to improve your reading experience? What would you like to see more/less of?

6. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

 

 

I do love queer music…

 

I’m going to see her in SF next week.

Seventeen FAIL

Confession: When I was around the age of 13, I had a subscription to Seventeen magazine. And yes, it did mold me into the mainstream at the time. Fashion, boys, drama, makeup, all that shit. It makes me shudder to think about it.

Today, I read an article out of the November 09 issue (thank you twitter) and my jaw almost fell out of my mouth. Right on the cover it says “My Boyfriend Turned Out To Be A Girl.” “Girl” is in pink, by the way. Apparently, a girl was dating a transguy and had no idea, and he (who probably wanted to protect himself) didn’t tell her. But yeah, the whole article was basically saying how transpeople are out to trick everyone and how they’re all big liars. Great! They just wrecked a whole bunch of young people’s minds. I mean, kids that read that magazine usually tend to be mailable, and wow, that’s just a wrong way to introduce the concept of gender variance.

 

Ok, so maybe writing about it while riled up isn’t the best idea because my thoughts don’t quite come out right, but STILL, you need to read this article.

Reading Material:

The Article

Queerty’s Take

Pam’s House Blend

Neighbors

A few nights ago, one of my housemates, her boy, and I were going to investigate some free couches around our neighborhood. We were walking across the street to the car, when we were approached by a slightly crazed drunk woman who typically roams our streets asking for change. She came up to me and said something along the lines of’ ‘Excuse me sir, I mean ma’am, i mean… can I buy some cigarettes from you?’ I said i didn’t have any, so we started walking away, and then  she starts yelling ‘Wait a minute! I wanna ask you somethin’! Are you a guy or are you a girl? I just wanna know what you are! Bitch don’t walk away from me! I’ll show you my titties! (at which point she’s slightly undressing herself in an aggressive manner.. to compare? I don’t know why)’ but then she runs up to me and is like ‘I really just wanna know’ and then she totally felt me up. Ran her hands all over my chest and then kinda groped my crotch… which, you know, was unnecessary. She was still confused. I froze. I mean, normal people would have stopped her, but I couldn’t do anything else but stand there. It was a deer-in-headlights response. So then I was like WTF YOU JUST FELT ME UP! and got in the car. She started yelling stuff that none of us could understand.. something about drugs, I think, so we drove away and got some really cool junk. No couch, but that’s ok.

I’ve gotten a lot of mixed reactions from this story, mostly along the lines of that’s-so-fucked-up-why-didn’t-you-kick-her-in-the-shins-and-run-away. A large part of me is wondering why I didn’t react. Another part of me is realizing how detached I am from my body. Probably not a good sign.

Why did I never get this lego set when I was a kid?

Making Lists

Lists are good for organizing. This is my very rough not-so-mental list of pros and cons of testosterone. Here it goes.

PROS

- It would make passing wayyyy easier. Not as many strange looks and questions.

- Lower voice. Right now, I get all high pitched when I’m nervous or on the phone (so basically most of the time).

- The age thing might not be such a surprise to people.

- Body Changes, hopefully for the better.

* No more babyface.

* Definitive muscle mass.

CONS

- Hair and acne that I don’t need more of (they’re already bad enough). Also, I’m really not a fan of facial hair and having to shave it off all the time.

- Money I don’t have.

- Conforming 100% is not my cup of tea.

- Potential loss of singing voice (ok, so it’s not that big of a deal).

- I’d have to tell my family. As of now, they know nothing.

My mind is a very conflicted one (more so than usual). I could potentially figure out a way to deal with all of the cons (most of them are revolving around the fact that I need to get some guts) so that they could go on the pros list. But at the same time I could say that most of these items are completely vain, which is dumb. And then I start at the beginning again. Tra la la. This is how my brain works. So, in conclusion, I’m sitting here eating cookies.

Spare Time

This is how my roomie and I spent the evening. Practice makes perfect, right?

Brain Matter

Ok, guys. Get ready for word vomit, word gagging, thoughts, and the like.

For some reason, I thought starting over here would make me happy, complete, whatever. Untrue. Yes, I’m having a lot of fun (that is, when I’m not working or sleeping), and I’ve been having a lot of good days. Some days, I think I’m in the right place. I haven’t been on antidepressants for two months or so and I’m still alive (an accomplishment). But I dunno… something is still missing.  I’m still sad, depressed, all that good stuff. I’m still not sure who I am or what I’m doing, and that in its self is an adventure, but at the same time it keeps me up at night. There are so many things that I want to do and then I don’t do them. I’m so uncomfortable in my body. Not the gender part or anything, just the body in its entirety. It’s like a dead weight, shuffling around, living, breathing, biting. I want to explode out of it. I miss rain and creeks and forests. I miss having friends that I see on a normal basis. I need new music. I need new pants and shoes. I want to learn. I need a nap.

Here are some good things to balance it out:

Found objects, “Making Stuff & Doing things by Kyle Bravo, drawing on my walls, sunshine, frozen yogurt last night, warm clean sheets and blankets, cold hands, my plants are growing, independence.

Who am I? Where am I going?

Update 9.28

Guess who went to Folsom yesterday?

Read about part 1, part 2, and part 3, at Uncommon Curiosity.

More to come when I don’t have stuff to do.